March 22, 2025 – Saturday

Blogging is a whole new thing for me. For several months, if not longer, my inner voice has been nagging at me to blog. I’ve ignored it. I considered it too. Why would I blog, and what would I write about? Who would even want to read what I write? I’m just an average person. I don’t do a lot of fun stuff like traveling the world. I am a chef, but I haven’t cooked much in years. I don’t do a lot of the things people blog about. But really, I don’t want to be like other bloggers. I just want to be me. This blog is not about getting lots of followers or sponsors to make money. This blog is meant to be a stress relief outlet for myself. A journal to share with whoever may run across it.

I’ve tried writing in journal books. They are all just so cute now days. They just make you want to buy them. I find that I might would write a day or two in one, and that would be it. I do enjoy using them for misc type stuff, but I tend to hold on to stress. I’m looking for a natural outlet instead of taking medicine. I think there has to be other people in the world going through the same things as I am, who have the same feelings as I do, and that it might just be helpful to see that someone else is dealing with the same things.

There is a lot of background I need to fill you all in on, but today has been an emotionally challenging day. My husband got diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia in January. He is currently in remission, praise be to God. This week he went through his first round of “maintenance” chemo. Chemo is done impatient, and he went through it with flying colors until he got to the last bag. He started having some small issues. He said he just felt weird. He lost most of his sense of taste again. What little he does have makes food taste strange or really bad. He hasn’t developed any mouth sores this time, but he does have some drainage which makes him cough hard and have to spit stuff out. When he coughs it hurst the back of his head. The medicines also caused his mouth to have a “coating.” He does get out side and walks a mile around the driveway, but other than that he lays around most all day. He doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t really hug me. I hug him. I know he is going through a lot himself, mentally and physically, but since this is my blog for my stress outlet, my feelings hurt. I’m not saying he has hurt my feelings, I’m saying my feelings hurt. Even though he is here and the kids and animals are here, I feel alone. That being said, you must know, we have a huge support system. I’m definitely, not alone. I miss being hugged. I miss feeling loved by him. I really just miss him. I know this will pass. I know his body will heal. I know he will get stronger and back to himself before long. These are just my feelings that I need to get out of my head. I’m tired too. I haven’t rested well in such a long time.

My best friend’s dad passed away just after midnight this morning. He too was battling cancer. I don’t think he made it a year from when he found out. It hurts to see them hurt. This morning, I ran to the grocery store and then our restaurant and fixed them a tray of sandwiches, cookies and some other foods and items.

Wednesday night of this week, a friend of my collage aged son’s twin brother took his life. We found out on Thursday. My son didn’t know the young man, but had seen him around campus. However, we do know some of their family well. This is such a hard thing for those students to have to deal with. It hurts, and it’s just something most of us just don’t understand.

Thursday night, I myself, ended up in the emergency room. I am ok. Turns out my issues were caused by reflux – which is caused by my hitial hernia – also, stress and a panic attack. Doc tried asked if I wanted some meds for anxiety. I told him no. He wrote me some anyway, but no, I’m not going to take them. He said if I didn’t want to go that route, to get with my doctor and let them help me find someone to talk to. So, here I am. I talking to y’all. I don’t intend for my blog to be all about the things not going great in my life, but I feel like I need to start here so I can start letting go of some of the things I’m holding on to.

I do want to say, God is good, and He is walking with me through all of this. He never said it would be easy, but He will be with me.