April 25, 2025
Well, I finally have made it back to posting. When I first started reading about blogging, everyone suggested to at least blog once a week. Thinking that would definitely not be a problem, but I more than likely should be able to post daily. Boy, was I wrong. So, many things have happened in this new path we are on. Since our last round of chemo, my husband had to make a trip back to the University for platelets, our local ER for platelets, again to our local ER with a temp of 103.3. They gave him more platelets, blood and he tested positive for Covid. They kept him for 2 nights and got him to feeling much better. The chemo really wears him down. It makes him really weak and it makes everything taste awful. He gets really aggravated about that. Usually it takes 2 weeks for his taste to return to normal and his counts to go back up. Really, he has been blessed that so far has really been the worst of his side effects. When all this started with finding out about the Leukemia, the emotional stress set my reflux into overdrive. I have a hiatal hernia and have battled the reflux for like 23 years. I have checked the box on most all the issues that it can cause. So, if you ever wonder if reflux can cause certain issues, I can probably answer that for you. Lately, it seems to have cause me some sleep apnea and a lot of feeling like I can’t breathe. It also causes anxiety. Ugh. But I work through it. I had to move to sleeping propped up on the couch. A recliner would be best. We talk about getting a couple recliners, but just haven’t made that move yet. The last few days have been better. I have tried to stop eating after 6:00 and limiting what I drink after that time. I think this too seems to be helping. But honestly, I’ve just been completely exhausted. Between all of the chemo, the reflux, learning to sleep on the couch, school events, work, church and trying to keep the house up, I’ve just been wore out AND I got a cold a couple days ago. I’ve been an emotional mess through all of this, but this past week, I had to have several good cries.
It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to not be strong all the time. It’s ok to take time for yourself. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to miss a day of laundry, dishes and any other housework. It’s ok to not return text messages. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be brokenhearted for the Lord says He is close to the brokenhearted (Psam 34:18).
Sometimes, I feel like because I have a strong faith in God, that I shouldn’t have days where I don’t feel ok. I wonder why I have days that I feel numb. I wonder about the future. I work with the public, and so many people ask me how he is doing and how I am doing. I reply with he’s doing good. He is doing ok. He’s weak but good. I’m good. I’m ok. I wonder if I am still letting Jesus’ light shine through me to others. I still very much believe. I love the Lord no less. I don’t ever want anyone to think any less of me in this area. There are days that I don’t want to answer any questions about any of it. There are days I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to go work in my office all day by myself. But really, am I good? I think I am. But there is the reflux and anxiety popping through which tells me, I’m not good. The heaviness of tears about to spill out my eyes at any moment of any day tells me, I’m not good. Exhaustion tells me I’m not good. But God. I’m a child of God. He is my Healer, my Comforter, My Strength, My Provider, my Strong Tower, the Lifter of my head. I will keep my eyes focused on Him. This too shall pass. One day this week, I read in Galatians 3:9 that those who rely on faith are blessed. This helped me a lot with what I was going through that day.
Today, we are back at the University for another round of chemo. It’s not a terrible experience. Everyone is really nice. We look forward to getting Door Dash and a lot of tv and screen time.
